The Wisdom of the Nervous System: Seeing the Adaptive Nature of Dorsal and Sympathetic States
We often talk about the autonomic nervous system as if it betrays us — as if anxiety, shutdown, or reactivity are signs that something has gone wrong. But the truth is that these physiological shifts are expressions of our body’s deep intelligence. The nervous system is constantly reading the environment, trying to keep us safe, connected, and alive.
When we begin to understand this, especially through the lens of polyvagal theory, we can start to see both ourselves and our children differently. Instead of judging behaviors as “overreactions” or “withdrawal,” we can see them as the body’s attempt to regulate and protect.
Understanding the Three States
The autonomic nervous system moves through three main patterns:
Ventral vagal – a state of safety, social connection, curiosity, and openness.
Sympathetic – a state of mobilization, energy, and readiness for action.
Dorsal vagal – a state of stillness, conservation, and restoration.
Each of these has adaptive functions. None are inherently good or bad. The key is flexibility — the ability to move between them as circumstances change.
The Adaptive Power of the Sympathetic State
The sympathetic nervous system is often associated with stress, fight, or flight. But in its balanced form, sympathetic activation gives us energy, focus, and vitality. It’s the system that propels us into movement, learning, and play.
In children, this shows up as exploration, excitement, and assertiveness. When a child runs, climbs, argues passionately, or insists on autonomy, their sympathetic energy is supporting growth and mastery. These are signs of a nervous system that’s learning to engage with the world.
In parents, sympathetic activation fuels protection, motivation, and responsiveness. It helps a parent act quickly when a child is in danger, organize a busy day, or advocate for their child’s needs.
When sympathetic energy becomes chronic — when there’s no time or support for settling — it can turn into irritability, anxiety, or burnout. But the energy itself is not the problem; it’s the body’s way of preparing us to meet life.
The Restorative Nature of the Dorsal Vagal State
The dorsal vagal system is often misunderstood as purely shut down — collapse, numbness, disconnection. And in its extreme form, it can feel that way. But in balance, dorsal activation allows rest, recovery, and stillness. It’s the part of the nervous system that says, “Pause. Conserve. Integrate.”
In children, this can look like quiet play, daydreaming, or curling up with a book. It’s how their bodies process and recharge after the intensity of activity or emotion.
For parents, dorsal states make space for reflection and restoration. They allow slowing down enough to listen — to oneself, to one’s child, to what the moment actually needs.
When stress or trauma are overwhelming, dorsal activation can become protective withdrawal — a way of surviving what feels unbearable. Recognizing this not as failure but as protection opens a path toward gentleness and reconnection.
Co-Regulation: The Nervous System Between Us
Children don’t regulate alone; they borrow the stability of a caregiver’s nervous system. This is co-regulation — the moment-by-moment exchange of safety cues between bodies.
When a parent’s ventral vagal system is active, it communicates safety through tone, gaze, and rhythm. The child’s system reads this and settles. When both move into sympathetic excitement together — in play, laughter, or problem-solving — that energy becomes creative rather than chaotic. When both rest together in dorsal stillness — in snuggling, silence, or quiet time — the child learns that stillness can be safe.
Healthy regulation isn’t about staying calm all the time. It’s about the ability to move through activation and rest, together, without getting stuck.
Practicing Awareness
Notice your child’s nervous system shifts. Are they mobilizing into action or seeking stillness? How can you meet them where they are, rather than pulling them out of it?
Track your own. What signals that your body is entering sympathetic energy or dorsal withdrawal? What helps you return to a sense of groundedness?
Name states neutrally. “Your body has lots of energy right now,” or “You need some quiet time to reset.” This normalizes nervous system shifts as part of being human.
Closing Reflection
The autonomic nervous system is not a problem to fix but a pattern to understand. Every state — ventral, sympathetic, dorsal — is a doorway into life’s intelligence. When we can hold these states with awareness and compassion, in ourselves and in our children, we begin to trust the body’s wisdom again.
Regulation, then, is not about staying in one place. It’s about moving — between activation and rest, doing and being, connection and solitude — with increasing safety and grace.
