Pause and Reflect: Supporting Children Through Big Feelings
There are moments in parenting when everything feels loud — emotions, bodies, reactions, expectations.
When you notice yourself or your child becoming dysregulated, the first and most supportive step is often to pause — even briefly. Slowing your breath, softening your body, or taking a moment before responding can help settle the nervous system and create space for a more intentional response.
Rather than rushing to fix or correct, it can help to gently reflect on what might be going on beneath the surface. The reflections below are offered as an invitation to slow down and notice, not as a checklist to get “right”.
Noticing Environmental and Family Stressors That Shape Children’s Behaviour
Children are deeply responsive to their surroundings. Behaviour is often shaped not only by what a child is feeling internally, but also by what is happening around them.
Stressors might include unprocessed stress, big emotions in the household, illness, changes in routine, transitions, sensory overload (or under-stimulation), or environments that don’t fully support a child’s unique sensitivities. Naming these factors — even quietly to yourself — can help reframe behaviour as communication, rather than “misbehaviour”.
As Aware Parenting mentor Marion Rose reminds us:
“Children’s emotional outbursts are not signs of bad behaviour. They are signals that children are overwhelmed and need support.”
— Marion Rose, The Emotional Life of Children (2012)
Checking Whether Your Child’s Basic Needs Are Being Met
Before looking for strategies or consequences, it can help to check in on the basics: hunger, rest, physical comfort, and emotional needs. A child’s capacity often drops when they are tired, hungry, unwell, or needing reassurance.
Connection itself is a core need. When connection feels thin or disrupted, children may express this through big feelings or challenging behaviour.
Understanding When Your Child Needs Emotional Connection
In moments of distress, children often need to “borrow” an adult’s nervous system. This might look like sitting close, offering a calm presence, making gentle eye contact, or simply being there without fixing or correcting.
Feeling seen, heard, and emotionally held can help restore a sense of safety over time. As psychiatrist and neuroscientist Daniel Siegel explains:
“Connection calms the nervous system, and calm connection builds resilience.”
— Daniel J. Siegel, The Developing Mind (2nd ed., 2012)
Offering Information to Reduce Uncertainty and Anxiety
Sometimes children struggle because something feels confusing or unpredictable. Offering clear, developmentally appropriate information — about what is happening now or what will happen next — can reduce anxiety.
This might be as simple as explaining a transition, naming a plan, or calmly clarifying expectations.
Listening to Children’s Feelings Without Trying to Fix Them
Some moments call for listening rather than doing. Letting your child know, “I’m here. I’m listening,” can create space for feelings to be expressed rather than acted out.
You don’t need to solve, fix, or change the feeling. Presence and curiosity are often enough. In the Aware Parenting approach, emotional listening is understood as deeply reparative:
“When children are listened to with empathy, they gradually release the feelings that drive their unhelpful behaviour.”
— Marion Rose, Listen to Children (2014)
Setting Loving Limits While Staying Emotionally Connected
Children still need boundaries, especially when emotions are big. A loving limit means saying “no” to a behaviour while saying “yes” to the feeling underneath it.
For example: “I can see you’re really angry right now. I’m saying yes to the feeling and no to the hitting. I’m here and I’m listening.” Limits offered with connection and empathy help children feel safe — even when they’re unhappy about the boundary.
A Gentle Reminder About Imperfect Parenting and Repair
None of this needs to happen perfectly. Parenting is relational, not procedural, and repair matters far more than getting it “right” in the moment.
These reflections are simply an invitation to slow down and respond with kindness — to your child and to yourself.
When Children’s Emotional Distress May Need Extra Support
All children experience big emotions, meltdowns, and periods of dysregulation — especially during times of growth, stress, or change. Sometimes, though, extra support can be helpful.
You might consider seeking professional support if you notice:
distress, anxiety, or shutdown that feels intense, persistent, or escalating over time
big feelings that are regularly interfering with sleep, learning, relationships, or daily functioning
frequent emotional overwhelm that feels difficult to repair or settle, even with support
changes in behaviour following illness, injury, trauma, or significant life transitions
a sense that your child is struggling, and you’re feeling unsure how to support them on your own
Reaching out for support isn’t a sign that something is “wrong” — it’s often a sign of care, attunement, and responsiveness to your child’s needs.
Related Resources
Embracing the Messiness: Dysregulation as communication not dysfunction
Unveiling the Magic of Attachment Play: A Guide to Healing Through Playful Connection
Important Information
This post offers reflective considerations grounded in relational and attachment-informed parenting frameworks, including Aware Parenting. It is intended as an invitation to notice, slow down, and respond with curiosity and care. It does not provide clinical advice, diagnosis, or treatment, and is not a substitute for professional or therapeutic support. Each child and family exists within unique relational, cultural, and environmental contexts that shape emotional expression and regulation.
